Yep, that's me. Don't laugh. I know, I know, not a cool Calvin Klein outfit. But, when you're six, you don't have that many choices. And not a lot of say in the clothes you're supposed to wear.
Looking at this picture makes me very sad. No, it's not the haircut. It's the feeling of a lost opportunity. The sadness of something that could have been. But never was. When this picture was taken, I might have been as close to my mother as I've ever been. I read her Astrid Lindgren's 'Children of Bullerbu' each and every day while she was preparing lunch. And she enjoyed being with me. For once.
You have to understand, my mother was a tortured soul. She had to deal with bipolar disorder and all the medication the 70's, 80's and 90's provided her. In industrial sizes. In any shape. Or form. Or strength.
In exchange, our family had to suffer with her. Through crisis after crisis after crisis. And we all felt imprisoned, tortured and sad. I responded through rebellion, didn't speak to both of my parents for decades, denied their existence.
Having a kid and her being severely sick for the last year, made me reconsider. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad she saw her second grand daughter, was able to enjoy her. I'm glad she was able to meet my beloved wife. And I'm glad I could hold her hand and give her some kind of emotional support in her darkest times.
My mother died this Sunday. I'm glad she didn't have to suffer any longer. It's a cliche, but she's in a better place right now. Her life in the last few weeks was just pure torture. I wish I could make it out to the funeral but, on the other hand, I'm glad I was able to have Astrid and myself to be with her before she passed away. I hope I gave her just a glimpse of our presence and it made her feel a little bit better leaving this world.
It's very sad when both of your parents die within 2 months. No matter how close you are. It's a big blow. Something I've problems dealing with.
But, real sadness creeps up when I look at this picture. Thinking about what could have been. What we could have had. How much love there could have been shared. How much more love and joy we could have brought to this world.
She will be buried this Friday. My heart will be with her during that hour. I hope she finds the peace she was looking for all her life. She deserves it.
3 comments:
My deepest condolences on the loss of your mother, Uwe. Thanks for sharing this very personal glimpse of your life. May Lori Roode rest in peace.
Uwe I heard about your loss and I wanted to express my condolances...I can imagine how difficult it must be and I hope that you find the happiness you deserve in your beautiful wife and daughter! Tell them I said hi...I miss you guys!
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